Dear Malpensa & Fiumicino Airports…I Hate You

Anyone who has the occasion to travel  has a  best vacation ever story and worst vacation ever story. They also have a highway, or airport they avoid at all times. If you don’t have one yet, live a little longer. It’s coming. So of course, while speaking about travel I couldn’t help but mention the most incompetent butt backwards airport I’ve ever traveled through in my entire life. I’m sure you’ve thought of a few but if you didn’t think of Malpensa or Fiumicino International Airport in Milan and Rome Italy then you just didn’t come up with the right airports. My apologies to all the LaGuardia haters. 

Have you ever gotten some mac and cheese that looks all gooey, buttery and delicious on top but when you bite it, you’re enraged to find out that there is zero cheese or butter on the rest of the noodles?  If you haven’t,  think about it and  get on my level of annoyance. That sensation is exactly what it’s like being inside these airports. Stunning aesthetics, upscale stores, mass confusion at all times.  

Picture it: Milan 2018 an innocent young Jacque’ is trying to connect to her flight. Now under normal circumstances the gate would be on the ticket correct? Not at Malpensa baby. Dudes said you’re on your own with that. I literally just looked through windows until I saw a plane with my airline logo on it. I get to the gate and ask if this is my plane, they say no my friend these planes are going back to New York, you are going to the other side of the airport. Me: stares like Diddy. Ticket handler: stares like my mans who thought he was friends with Mary. So I run to the other side of the airport and find the flight board. Guess what guys? My flight isn’t there. This wasn’t a flight board, it was a magic 8 ball apparently. “Do I have a flight?” “We’ll tell you at 11:49” Literally what it said. Finally the board updates and I am able to find my flight and gate and get to Rome. Clearly Milan doesn’t have it together but both the airports can’t be a hot mess. Or so I thought.

On my flight back from Rome, not only did Fiumicino airport try to make me check a bag that was the exact same weight it was when I brought it to Italy, ten minutes before boarding a garbled announcement was made. I have no idea what was said other than “Sorry.” However, suddenly the gate I had been sitting in for hours was no longer my gate and I found myself wandering to the other side of the airport once again for my new flight. We also had to go through TSA TWICE because someone was trying to smuggle cocaine through the airport and you KNOW who got randomly searched. Yes me, your girl just trying to have a hot girl summer before Meg even thought about it. They held us up for hours.  What made it worse was they were smiling the entire time. Every incompetent, mind numbing, time wasting step they took they did it with a big smile, that I wanted to slap off their faces.  Ya’ll I need to light a candle and relax after writing this. 

I just want to say Malpensa and Fiumicino you’re beautiful. I’m sure someone will love you. I wish you the best in your endeavors, however you need to know it was definitely you not me and I hope I never see you again. 

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